Vision

The love/hate battle about eyes began as early as I can remember.

You're eyes are SO blueI 

You're eyes are so big
You have BUG eyes
Do your eyelashes hit your eyeball when you talk
Your eyes are bigger than your face

I never even knew what I had:

Bright.
Stunning Blue Eyes

Yes, the eyes that blink at you and you don't ask anymore questions, because, those eyes are looking into your soul.
'
My eyes have never been good for vision. I joke, my best accesory ever. Or the other thing I say: They are only good for decoration.

2000 I had the eye surgery that repared the degentrative eyes I was given. That's okay - many people I love have eye problems, I'm one of them.


They warned me about this

My close up vision would begin to slip. BUT, when it happens, your far away vision will become closer.

I'm not sure if it's the diet. The life. The vision to see thing better, BUT

At dusk, then later in the evening - I can now suddenly see things. Things I've had trouble seeing for years.

My vision has changed

Expenses

Eating non-processed food is EXPENSIVE.

This whole:

• No processed foods
• No fake stuff
• No sugar (includes honey)
• No alcohol

stuff is actually expensive!

I had a little bet/goal with myself. "Every night I don't buy any alcohol or go out to eat, I'll put that money into my 'travel' savings." A reward for my determination and sticking to my goals.

WELL, that's all fine and good, but I'm not saving any money! My normal "Wednesday night out" cost me $50. I don't go out every Wednesday, but that is the night I will go have dinner and cocktails. Then there is wine I have at home.

Surely, I can save TONS of money. Okay, granted it's only been two weeks - but my grocery bill has doubled.

My sweet potato chips - the kind with no sugar??? $4.00 (which isn't bad), but it's TEN ounces. You know how many ounces of Doritios I could buy for $4.00??????? More than TEN ounces!!!

Meat, fish, salad stuff - easy things to grab at the store and not have to look at labels.

What was I eating before???

I've always thought of myself as a "healthy eater", but watching my waistline has me watching my bank account.......

Wishing my waist would shrink as fast......

15 days

In 15 days, I haven't had:

• Sugar
• Processed Foods (Pasta, chips, bread, etc)
• Dairy
• Soy
• Grains
• Legumes
• Alcohol

Okay, it's really only been 13 days, but I was supposed to start my rendition of Whole 30 at the start of January - due to travel (or that is my excuse any way), I started on the 3rd of January. 

You are also not supposed to have any artificial sweetners. HOWEVER, I don't drink coffee. I could drink tea, but I really do like my morning "boost" of a sugar free energy drink. I figure I'm giving up everything else, I can only do so much. (Maybe next month).

The goal is to see how you feel (your joints, your muscles, your brain) at the end of the month. Then add one thing in for two days, and see how you feel.

The list above makes one think, "Well, what CAN I eat?"

• Meat
• Vegetables
• Sweet Potatoes
• Eggs

And with those four things, there are a ton of meals to make! Omeletes, salads, steak and pretty much any vegetable you want. 

I haven't been hungry at all - it's the habits of eating/drinking things, not because I really want them, it's the habit. The habit of pouring a glass of wine while cooking dinner. The habit of having cheese toast for breakfast. Etc......

The not having wine or chips has been the hardest challenge. Although, there are some great sweet potato chips with no added sugar. The wine, well, sparkling water has helped me trick my mind.

So, far, I've lost 4.5 pounds. But more importantly, I have a ring that was tight, it now fits without a problem (a four pound weight loss wouldn't do that - it's the puffiness from processed food and sugar that does that). AND, I'm sleeping!! My middle of the night panic attacks (that I attributed to everything that went on with the kids we lost last summer) are all but gone.

I'm drinking sleepytime tea at night instead of my wine. It's amazing what 8 stratight hours of sleep does for a person! Something that I haven't done in years on a regular basis.

Pilates and Hot Yoga Sculpt don't seem as hard either. 3 days a week for the last two weeks.

I may add things back in, as I want them, but the goal at the moment is to make it another 15 days.

Four Agreements

There is a book someone (I don't remember who) gave me years ago called "The Four Agreements". Easy read.

Short book.

Simple. Easy.

This is book is based upon Four basic agreements in life:

With all the political un-rest this year, as it is all the time, these agreements are more important than ever.

It's hard to stay focused. It's hard to not take things personally. Or make assumptions. I do find it easier to be impeccable with my word and also always TRY to do my best.

These are goals upon which to strive. Goals that keep me being a better person.

We are in Southern California for a week. A group of us are going to Magic Mountain to celebrate Christmas. Roller coasters, junk food, Santa and lots off fun.

We invited Lily to come with us. She told today she can't make it.

AND if, I weren't following my four agreements, I would think:

• Her dad doesn't trust us to get her home on time
• Dad and the girlfriend don't like me - or at least the girlfriend is so jealous of me - they won't let Lily come with us. It's all because of me.
• I'm assuming all of the above
• And my best wouldn't want me to call him and ask "what the hell is wrong with you?".

But instead,

• I meant it when I said, "we would be friends forever"
• This has nothing to do with me.
• I have asked if this is about Lily's boyfriend not wanting to go. I have asked questions on what makes the girlfriend insecure when I'm around.
• I'll continue to be in Lily's life and honor my word to her.

I can only do, what I can do.

Envelopes

Christmas Cards are my thing. I LOVE them. I think I’ve written about them before, but now that I’ve been writing for several years, words roll into each other.

Many people have switched over to electronic Christmas Cards. And, I may actually do that too. In a few years……

In the meantime, I LOVE receiving cards. I love sending cards. Religious cards. Funny cards. Christmas Cards. Photo cards. All of them. They are moments from people sharing their lives with me. A card someone noticed in a gift shop. Or online. Or at the carwash. A card that made them think of me. Or made me think of them.

You buy the card. You write a note. You send it to the person.

NOW, that is true love. A moment stolen and given. A moment you thought of another person – AND let them know.

Texts seem to be the replacement these days. But that’s okay. It is still a moment you are letting someone you love know you are thinking about thing.

But, back to the Christmas Cards.

Yes, I mass produce Christmas cards. Yes, I sent out probably a hundred. Yes, I order the return address label to go on the envelope. As that is the same for every card.

But what I have done and don’t like – labels for the people I’m sending them too.

I tried it. I did the mail merge. I put all the cards in the envelopes. I put the return address labels on them. I attached the address labels. The self-adhesive stamps in the corner. I mailed them.

You know what?? I don’t really remember anything about the cards I sent that year. I do remember the cards I received.

What I do remember?

The years I sit down – and yes, it’s a pain in the ass. But the year, I RE-started hand-written addresses.

BECAUSE

As I look up each name. As I write each address. The memories flood in.

I’m a tactical person. I need to experience. 

See. 

Touch.

As a write the address on the envelope, memories flood my brain of how and why I’m sending this card. 

Stories I have with this person/family.

Stories that keep me smiling.

While we all think that hand written address was for us. And it is.

It's also an envelope touched with love.

The last holdout

Cherry Creek is an area in Denver. Upscale. For those people in the world who like to shop, and like "high end brands", it's the place to be. Shop. Eat Dine. Be Seen. Visit.

There are many words for this pocket of town. I've also mentioned many times, one of my favorite places , but not a favorite place for the shopping. A favorite place for a burger dive joint.

I swear, you can smell the smoke in the furniture, from when smoking cigarette's was allowed inside.

The stale beer. You can smell that too.

When visitors come to town - I make sure they see many scenic places in Denver and the surrounding area. The Cherry Cricket is always on the list.

We've all wondered how long it could last. A run down bar in the middle of an area with 5 million dollar condos. The "Cricket" swore they weren't going any where. The rest of us always knew it was a matter of time.

Wednesday night. There was a kitchen fire. The Cricket is closed until further notice.

Which means:

The Cricket we all know and love - isn't opening back up.

Yes, it will probably re-open. It's sitting on a piece of land worth millions. It will be clean. The burgers probably won't be as good and there might actually be some light in the place.

But the stories I have from this place......

I met Peter Pan there.
The man who became Nolan's Godfather
A great girlfriend whom I visited New York City with for the first time
A few more girlfriends, a few more guy friends.
A few celebrities
I've closed the place down
I've been there early when the Broncos had an early game, and they let us open the place up.
Friends of my sons have worked there
A place that still has parking for free - and decent parking (as parking is not one of my better attributes).
And if you read the article, I referred to at the begining. A place that let's you change other people's lives.

A place that changed my life. As all experiences change your life. All of our lives.

The Cricket is closed until further notice. Thanks for holding out.

Not sure where I'm going to watch the Broncos game next week. But hey Cricket, thanks for hanging in there.

Finally

Usually, when I write a story about someone I love, whom has passed, the words come quickly. The words come flowing out of me. Screaming, like they need to tell the world about the person I loved and lost.

This time, I’ve had no words. I’ve had no words about a lost young life. A life we lost to demons bigger than us all.

I’ve searched. And searched for words. Searched for emotions other than sadness and anger.

It's not that I didn't want to tell you about my friend. I didn't know how.

I truly now understand how depression affects people. The understanding of not wanting to get out of bed. 

Or truly put one foot in front of the other.

Not that I haven’t felt moments of despair and blues. I’ve had them. (previous to this). We all have them. But moments of not knowing how I’m going to make it until the end of the day.

I now get you.

And dammit Hil. I’m mad.

I’m angry. And, I’m very, very sad.

One of my Mother’s Day “kids” committed suicide the last week in August. NO ONE saw this one coming. Yes, I thought I knew depression. Yes, I understand people with internal battles we will never understand.

BUT, USUALLY, we know. Or think we have an idea.

We like to think we have an idea this person was battling things that were hard.

So, instead of being angry. Or mad. Or sad.

Hil, this is what I have to say about you:

I will always miss you.       

              

AND

You still owe me!

You grandparents made sure you had seen all 50 states. In your short life (and yes, I know, you didn’t believe 18 was short)

Every Mother’s Day since you were 10 years (or maybe 8) we had all run a 5k together and had a cook-out at my house. You were a junior in high school and you and your grandfather had been on a cruise to Alaska together. The only state you had left was Hawaii.

We had all run our Mothers’ Day run and we are sitting in the stands discussing this situation. I turned to your grandfather and said – what is the state you are missing? Your grandfather replied. Actually, wait, you replied “Hawaii” that’s the only state left.

I then turned to your grandfather and said, “That sounds like a perfect graduation gift to me. “

You went with your mom, brothers and grandparents to Hawaii the summer you died. (And selfishly, and because of course, this is about me, I drove you to the airport)

It was also your grandfathers fiftieth state to visit.

You were his best friend. Not trying to make you feel guilty. Trying to explain what the rest of us were feeling.

By far, your funeral and picking your parents and your ashes up at the airport was the HARDEST thing I’ve EVER been through in my life.

I’m sorry you felt you weren’t loved enough to get you through that day. Or today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day.

Because, let me tell you Richard Hilstad Lee Abbott. YOU were loved. Are loved.

Always will be.

Rest in Peace my sweet boy.