There she goes. There she goes again....

 Ah, there SHE is. 

Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to look at things clearly. Not perfectly. With lenses that aren't clouding your vision. Perspective has a way of clouding your vision.

CUT AND DRY. I have a goal. This is HOW it is going to work out. No matter what it takes. No matter what. I have hung on to so many things and ideas for WAY to long. Long after I should have let go. BUT if I had let go, I wouldn't be who I am now. 

HA!! Said the universe to the child. 

I checked out for the last 5 weeks. As in literally. I turned over my phone. My computer. ALL my responsibilities.  Meditation. Therapy. :Yoga. Massages. Yoga. Acupuncture. Swimming. Horse back riding. Watching a LOT of TV (Actually a show that was an appropriate show to disconnect THIS IS US). Swimming. Hikes. Sleeping. Breathwork. I didn't drive a car for a month. I didn't cook a meal. I was in charge of nothing.

You know what? I'm still in charge of ANYTHING? I'm in charge of NOTHING. Only my actions and decisions that I make today. Is this a good decision for me right now? or a bad one or do I need to wait a moment?

When I came back to Hawaii in 2020. I wanted to start a retreat center. I didn't know what I wanted to do next. I was in the middle of trauma. I had three friends whose sons had been killed. My sons were going off to each coast to pursue their dreams. As they should. 

As I told many people this spring. Barbie broke. Her arm fell off. But in this case, my leg broke in three places in November of last year. 

Oh what do you say? Then I'm in this battle for on a property I own - no one else has contributed , I needed a reset. Not Barbie. I'm a real person. With real feelings. 

I took a break.

Reset. Bad things happen to good people. Worse things have happened to other people.

This moment is not going to last forever.

As for now, I'm back to paddling. I'm racing in paddling for the first time ever. I'm going to be 55 in June. I don't even know if I will make the team. That's not really the point. I'm in a boat, full of 20 year old's. I'm the one who has never raced before. They haven't either. 

I went to the hairdresser the other day. She's from the island. Born and raised. I said, I'm racing this year. I'm the oldest person on the boat (except for the steerswoman who is training us), I'm the oldest and I am the only blonde. The only thing you can help me with at this moment is to take me darker. This hair is way too blonde. If I'm going to be the "boat mama", let's gradually get my hair darker. It will bleach back out. She replied (she's in her early 40's with four kids - she and her husband have known each other since they were 14).

We were then doing sprint drills. Learning to jump on the boat while it was still moving. Jumping off, while it was still moving too, for the next crew to get on. Swimming back to land. 

The coach said in general conversation to the whole team (she's my age and has been racing her whole life. She doesn't remember not knowing how to paddle), that us swimming in were like dolphins. (There were three of us). She didn't realize she had dolphins on board.

She did stop me for a minute. You have improved. Your stroke has improved. :-) I nodded my head. I'm working on it, I replied. I do listen, make small adjustments when I can. Two ears, one mouth. :-)

She smiled. "I'll have to remember that one. Two ears, one mouth".

There she goes again......