There she goes. There she goes again....

 Ah, there SHE is. 

Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to look at things clearly. Not perfectly. With lenses that aren't clouding your vision. Perspective has a way of clouding your vision.

CUT AND DRY. I have a goal. This is HOW it is going to work out. No matter what it takes. No matter what. I have hung on to so many things and ideas for WAY to long. Long after I should have let go. BUT if I had let go, I wouldn't be who I am now. 

HA!! Said the universe to the child. 

I checked out for the last 5 weeks. As in literally. I turned over my phone. My computer. ALL my responsibilities.  Meditation. Therapy. :Yoga. Massages. Yoga. Acupuncture. Swimming. Horse back riding. Watching a LOT of TV (Actually a show that was an appropriate show to disconnect THIS IS US). Swimming. Hikes. Sleeping. Breathwork. I didn't drive a car for a month. I didn't cook a meal. I was in charge of nothing.

You know what? I'm still in charge of ANYTHING? I'm in charge of NOTHING. Only my actions and decisions that I make today. Is this a good decision for me right now? or a bad one or do I need to wait a moment?

When I came back to Hawaii in 2020. I wanted to start a retreat center. I didn't know what I wanted to do next. I was in the middle of trauma. I had three friends whose sons had been killed. My sons were going off to each coast to pursue their dreams. As they should. 

As I told many people this spring. Barbie broke. Her arm fell off. But in this case, my leg broke in three places in November of last year. 

Oh what do you say? Then I'm in this battle for on a property I own - no one else has contributed , I needed a reset. Not Barbie. I'm a real person. With real feelings. 

I took a break.

Reset. Bad things happen to good people. Worse things have happened to other people.

This moment is not going to last forever.

As for now, I'm back to paddling. I'm racing in paddling for the first time ever. I'm going to be 55 in June. I don't even know if I will make the team. That's not really the point. I'm in a boat, full of 20 year old's. I'm the one who has never raced before. They haven't either. 

I went to the hairdresser the other day. She's from the island. Born and raised. I said, I'm racing this year. I'm the oldest person on the boat (except for the steerswoman who is training us), I'm the oldest and I am the only blonde. The only thing you can help me with at this moment is to take me darker. This hair is way too blonde. If I'm going to be the "boat mama", let's gradually get my hair darker. It will bleach back out. She replied (she's in her early 40's with four kids - she and her husband have known each other since they were 14).

We were then doing sprint drills. Learning to jump on the boat while it was still moving. Jumping off, while it was still moving too, for the next crew to get on. Swimming back to land. 

The coach said in general conversation to the whole team (she's my age and has been racing her whole life. She doesn't remember not knowing how to paddle), that us swimming in were like dolphins. (There were three of us). She didn't realize she had dolphins on board.

She did stop me for a minute. You have improved. Your stroke has improved. :-) I nodded my head. I'm working on it, I replied. I do listen, make small adjustments when I can. Two ears, one mouth. :-)

She smiled. "I'll have to remember that one. Two ears, one mouth".

There she goes again...... 

I WANT TO KNOW THE MIDDLE

 We have an Ohana on our property. 

In Hawaii, Ohana means family. It also means a space on your property that what people on the mainland might call a "mother-in-law" apartment". Ours is a converted garage, it is a studio apartment. It does not have a full kitchen. The sink for the bathroom is shared in the kitchen. It does have it's own private entrance from the main house and a private parking spot. 

We have rented it out before. Once to a local guy that worked at the harbor. It also has shared laundry space and a shared big fridge that we use for storage. The guy that worked at the harbor was great. He was either working or on a boat. We would get a text every once in a while saying there was fresh tuna in the shared fridge. 

The second renter. He made it about 9 months. Some good times. Some not so good. We finally had to give him notice. 

We took a break from renting it out. We rented it for Ironman and Ohana (family). Other than that. It sat empty. Breathing room. Letting us breathe some life back into our lives.

As the moment those words roll off my tongue, the Dash arrives. The website I was referred, Furnished Finders. We can offer furnished accommodations, people can look for furnished places to stay. Someone inquired about our place to stay for a month. 

This would be great. A great tiptoe back into the short-term rental market on our property. A toe in the water. 

With this website, I guess, it's much like a dating website, only it's about a place to stay, only it's for a place to stay for longer time stays. 

Dash sends her email. We talk. Okay. This sounds good. In fact, this sounds better than good. She's here for a month, She's bringing her bike.

I introduced her to some guys who live on the property of some friends of mine..... 

She's spent all this time with the guys that live on a friend of mine's property. Really, I'm not jealous. REALLY, I'm not. Her bike hasn't been touched in a couple of weeks. She pops in and out. She's coming back in June to housesit for a month. :-) 

I know how this ends. I was young once. I came to Hawaii on a whim.

Dasha. I just want you to fill in the Dash.... :-)

A new life

 The loss of one's old life is a condition for finding a new one.

This happens so many times in life. You must let go of your old ideas, friends, things, places, thoughts, habits in order to gain new. 

Many people are not brave enough to let go of the old. They stay in the same routine. Live in the same place. Do the same things, with the same people. In fact many people do this. In some ways, I am very envious.

There are a couple of places on the island that Hawaiian people have never left. They still farm and hunt and live on their piece of the world. There is something so peaceful in thinking about that. That is their life. I know several people on the island whom have never left. In some ways, I am envious. Of course, we all know people who have never left their little part of the world.

Truth be told, I stay in my little neighborhood. I did the same thing in Denver. Even today, I was invited to go to lunch. When they mentioned the place. My very first thought was "that's far". It was 4 miles from where we were standing.  

My youngest son recently returned from Europe to Denver. He did like it there. 

For me, I always envisioned Hawaii as IT. This was the place. I didn't NEED or WANT anything else in my life. THIS was the END GAME. LAST BIG GOAL. 

For the last TWELVE YEARS, in the back of my mind was - get to Hawaii.

AND - I did it.

Several nervous breakdowns, tragedies and some incredible wonderful memories getting me here. I AM HERE. 

BUT WAIT.  My sons are only in their twenties. I didn't find Hawaii until my 40's. What if they both run off and fall in love with Australia or Africa or some remote little island in the Caribbean (hopefully, it will be near each other).  And then I follow their dreams 

This was and is MY dream. One of my dreams anyway. I've had many. I lived in Colorado for over 30 years. Who is to say there aren't more dreams, books, chapters and lives left to live in mine. 

Colorado will always be the place I "grew up". Hawaii too. But there are many chapters in this book called life. 

Part of Your Dream

This couple comes into the restaurant the other night.

Honeymooners from Switzerland. They have been in Hawaii for three weeks. We are the last island on their tour. They are waiting to be seated.

The other hostess asked:

"Why Hawaii? It's a LONG WAY from Switzerland."

"It's always been my dream. Since I was a little one."

I'm standing there smiling. My eyes fill with tears.

I'm a part of your dream. Let us help you make your dream come true. "Follow me"

I'm the lucky one.

Let people tell you their stories

 I've always been that person.

No matter the age.

No matter the place.

The other person.

If you sit down next to me, you are telling me your story.

In fact, I now get almost aggravated when you don't start telling me your story. Well, because, it's just a matter of time. 

OR, maybe you aren't ready. Then you get up and leave. You aren't ready yet. It's okay. We all have our time.

Today, a lady I've met through canoe club. (Can we confirm now, that I only meet people through canoe club or airplanes? or maybe gym memberships or oh heck nevermind).

When someone your age shows up at canoe club shows up = you latch on! I'm still one of the younger members. Shock! Surprise! About six months ago! Wow! She might be our age! (Not sure when mid-fifties got to be the young people, but hey! we are going with it!)

We've done some activities together with some other "young people". Today I sent her a text as I know her husband works Friday nights too. Want to go to Happy Hour?

Needless to say. We hung out boogie boarding on the beach on a Friday afternoon. She remarried in 2016 has two grown children. Went some trauma with her kids in 2016. And here we all are on our island of misfit toys in Kona.

Figuring out our next steps in life.

We both laughed about what people told us was "normal". We actually feel sorry for the people who still think normal is real. Normal is a setting on the washing machine.

Let people tell you their stories.

 

It's all about me

Every night I like to find two "stories" from the people who come in to the restaurant. Of course, we are a destination town. A vacation town. Every night, it is someone's birthday. Someone's anniversary. The smile hasn't left my face when I say, "Be sure and let your waiter/waitress know".  Yes, we do give a complimentary dessert, no we don't sing. We would be singing all night. 

Last week? We had a couple come in three nights in a row. With three children in wheelchairs they had adopted from the Ukraine a year ago. One night they had only brought one child in, Michael, he is 8. A year ago he was non-verbal (didn't speak). He speaks now. Full of questions, much like any 8 year old. Wanted to know my name, age, last name, age of my kids, my kids names, and on and on and on. And the name of every one that walked by. The last night they came in, he told me the restaurant was wonderful and I was beautiful. My his life has changed in a year.

Three men came in last night. A couple and their friend. They were waiting near the bar. When I went to get them, I was taking them to the other side of the restaurant. One said, "Oh, but Seth (the waiter), we want HIS section!" Smiling and laughing with me. I turned with mischief in my eye and said, "He doesn't play on your team." I knew it was brave of me, but I also could tell they were having fun. They laughed. I gave them a table right on the ocean and said "Will this view due??"  When they were leaving, they told me they had just moved here from Maui, I let them know they were more than welcome anytime and we are a very friendly community. They gave me a twenty dollar tip. I don't receive many tips directly from our patrons, so this was really nice.

Our company had a part-time office position available. 9-1pm Mon-Thurs. I had spoken to the HR person about the position. It was a good position. Making a little more than I am as hostess. Not standing all day. I could wear whatever I want, the office too is right on the water. The HR person, let's call her J, then called late Friday and said it would really need to be more 9 - 3, Monday - Friday, but I could still leave early the two days a week to go to canoe club to help the kids in the afternoons. I told her I would let her know on Monday.

I called her Monday and told her I was having too much fun as the hostess. I let her know when I was ready, I would be back.

Last night, the Director of Operations came in for dinner with his wife and friends. He introduced himself and said "I've heard good things about you". I smiled and thanked him.

"You know, you broke J's heart" (by not taking that other job), he said. I smiled and said "Well, I was going to break someone's heart". This time it's not mine.

Side Effects

I took a part-time job as a Hostess at a local fine dinning waterfront restaurant. Dinner hours only. Two nights a week. They are only open 4pm (happy hour only). Dinner from 5pm - 9pm. 

Beautiful restaurant. Right on the water. Beautiful sunset. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

I remember saying 12 years ago. I want to be the hostess there one day.

Well, by now, we know I play the long game. I guess I have more patience than I think.

What I DIDN'T expect?? The HARDEST part of the job???

Wait for it......

Trying not to cry every time I work. 

What did you say??

Because, this is what I'm so lucky to hear when people ask for their tables:

The VERY SECOND TABLE I EVER SET: Smiling woman from ear to ear, "This is my Granddaughter" Smiling mid twenties woman standing next to her "She flew into to surprise me yesterday, the rest of the family had dinner here last night. We now have 4 generations here. She and I are here for happy hour, the two of us." I literally couldn't say a thing. I did my best to smile and nod my head. Sat them at the best two seater table right on the water. Thinking of all my trips with my Granny.

We are here for our (Pick a year) Anniversary. We have always wanted to come to Hawaii.

I seat a table of 6. Anniversary trip of a group of friends. They befriend a group of 4 friends waiting on their table. By the end of the night, both groups are taking pictures of each other together. As they are all walking out the door together, we are going to a party together on Monday. I smile and reply "Vacation friends make wonderful friends." I should know, I have a daughter from a vacation many years ago.

Older man, I say that like I'm 20, kept coming back to the hostess stand to tell us silly jokes. Do you know the only kind of bee's that don't sting? Boo bee's?? :-) Boo is right. He did give me a ten dollar tip. Their family was celebrating anniversary 41. I said to his wife, how did you do it? She smiled and said he keeps following me! They were fun.

This is a bucket list trip. It's my last trip. 

A family of 6. The mom was standing there telling me about her 13 year old daughter taking pictures of another group in the parking lot. She said her oldest daughter was 20. So the mom knew that the next few years were not going to be easy with the 13 year old so they had come on this trip as a "bonding" one. 

The door happened to be empty and a let's say a 14 month old walked in, no shirt, no shoes, blonde hair and blue eyes with arms in the air. (I could see the parents in the background) But just for a moment, it looked like he was all on his own. There were two other people standing to the side. I owned the moment for him. "Aloha my friend!" "Are you looking for a table?" "I'm sorry, I know this is Hawaii, but we do require shoes and a shirt". I'm not sure who was smiling more. Me or everyone around. All I could think was, I knew just a few seconds ago, two little boys who looked just like you.....

I've been waiting for this job for a very long time.

Have you ever TRULY been to Wal-Mart?

 Have you ever TRULY been to Wal-Mart? or really, it doesn't have to be Wal-Mart, it can be any store. Any store. Any store that is large enough to have a cross section of a population. 

You do have an intention of buying something, but take a minute next time. Walk WITHOUT intention.

I've done this a couple of times at a couple of different stores in my life. But, it's almost become a every other a week habit at our Wal-Mart here in Kona since December. 

The backstory:

• I HATE Wal-Mart in general (they are usually dirty). I don't like their business practices.
• I do not like our Wal-Mart as it has a HORRIBLE parking lot. It's difficult to get in. It's crowded up front. I will go to other places of businesses based on the sole reason of their parking lot. Therefore, when I do have to go here, I park as far as I can and just walk to the door.
• I have therefore avoided this particular location for YEARS, but do occasionally (maybe a once in a year stop) due to convenience go in there.

We had to go in there this summer. Group of us. Two young boys needed dinosaurs as a reward (short version of a long story). I didn't go in. Major meltdown happened in the store. Resulting in tears. I later proclaimed Uncle Jeff was also very sad because he didn't even get a dinosaur at all, much less a little one. 

Fast forward. It's Christmas, I wanted to get Jeff a dinosaur for Christmas as a joke. I go into Wal-mart. WOW! It's a whole different world in our Wal-Mart. I had forgotten!!!

You have your tourist. And your tourist section. You have a McDonalds. You have food. You have fresh fruit. You have medicine. Alcohol. Garden Stuff. Christmas Stuff. Tools. Bikes. Sewing Stuff. Clothes. Toys

Now about the Toy Section: There is a WHOLE aisle dedicated to Barbie and all this pink stuff. So, I'm looking for the dinosaurs. I said to the Wal-Mart guy "Excuse me, where is the Dinosaur Aisle" He looks at me like I have three heads. Another guy standing there (WITH HIS DOG MIND YOU) smiled. And replies, "The dinosaur aisle???" I said, YES, where you get Dinosaurs. LET ME TELL YOU, there was only ONE FOURTH of ONE AISLE with DINOSAURS. I was very disappointed. I did find a little dinosaur to buy. 

My boys never really went through the "dinosaur" stage, but really a WHOLE AISLE of PINK stuff???? 

But now, I've truly become fascinated with our Wal-Mart. I think I spent two hours that day just wondering. I've been back two more times.

The employees are all happy. There is a sweet lady that sits at the door to check your receipt. She tells you to have a "blessed day" or "make sure you get those drinks on some ice soon" She's all smiley. 

And the view from the parking lot, is amazing......

Hanai

 The word in a word in Hawaii that sw=means fmailiy and tha means family. People scoff. But if I were to say that world means "ssssssx" in Italian" or x in russian they might be okay.

But no, a third world country owned by the United States???

Hanai, means family you choose. Not because your cousin married someone. Or married someone. Or because someone you have known and loved someone one since you, who cares since when. 

My daughter. was here today. She made she choice to wake up early and wake up her boyfriend and come paddle with me and my canoe club.

That's the beautiful thing about those we invite into our "hanai" and to those " hanai" in which we become. We never feel it is happening. We become.

She was there. With her boyfriend at 6am, at Keauhou Bay to go paddling. Only one person - so who is Lily? We just smile. My teenage daughter I reply. Jim, across the boat replies, "Are they teenagers?". They will always be in my mind. 

Lily and I swim. We paddle back.

As we get the boats in and walk to the club. Jeff is there. 

Not what I was expecting.

Lily wasn't either. She had asked me earlier if he had paddled, I relieplied no. He captains late night manta dives. William, her boyfriend, had been caught up in old time "rowing" conversation.

As, my former, and also younger self walked up to greet him. Along with my duaghter.

Everything, everything, going to be all right.

Daily Habits

 The only way to do this again. Because I do TRULY love to write. Is well, to start to write ever day.

So, here is today. Write now. :-) 

Mission Accomplished

Ironman 2022

Everyone has been telling you your WHOLE life to be patient. Not one of your virtues. NO, I didn't do it (this time). I worked it. 

Not sure if you learned your lesson or somehow it arrived it in due time (as usual.....).

FIRST TWO DAY WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP ever! 😅Yes, EVER.

TWO years of COVID cancellations. ELEVEN years of wanting to be there on closing night.

In true Leasa style, it showed up even better. I was there on closing night. I was EMPLOYED by IRONMAN. I was on the VIP FINISHERS PLATFORM. 

SO many changes in my life over the last ELEVEN years. What am I talking about the last 11 years?  Not all good. Its been hard work to get here. Slow and steady DOES win the race, or at least it gets you across the finish line. Or to the start line. At least forward and not stuck in a place that you don't want to be. Hopefully, we are to the run now....

Many stories from the last week I can't yet put into words. 

One of my dear friends I lost in 2019. To say I was heartbroken over losing her is an understatement. (That's a song for another time). 

There was a large Honu (turtle) who appeared in the water just before the finishers were approaching the finishing line.  The turtle arm came into the air.

I'm on the finish line platform. I looked in the water. I waved to her. She said "You are welcome darlin" and swam back into the sea".....Yes, every single emotion you are feeling right now was there. Breathe deep.

The dolphins who appeared just before all the pro's jumping for the crowd. The dolphins made the news feed. Of course they did. 

I know this is my magic. This is my special place. I can feel the magic here. If it's my job to share it with others, I'm happy, I share my joy in all sorts of ways.

Saturday night. The closing ceremony was happening. The last runners were coming in. The magic of the whole event was coming to an end. I never stay to the very end.

I sneak out the side. I like to remember the moment, just before the end. The moment when everyone still is holding on to the magic. I like putting all the magic together. That place between dreaming and awake. 

As I sneak into the parking lot, the ceremonial drums are beating. We still have awards ceremony the next night. The lights are beginning to fade. The moon is full. Jupiter is above the moon. There are drops of Jupiter. 

Mission accomplished.

(I'll catch you up from 2016 - 2020 some other time it, but please do know, you too can heal.) 

Victory Lap

One last lap.......

Everything is set in place. "The car" has been delivered to it's next destination. Furnishings of the house are almost all gone.

Extra trashed picked up. Artwork and collectibles ready to go.

No - the house deal fell through. At least the Denver house. The Hawaii house is ready to we are closing on Thursday.

Thursday - Nolan's 21st birthday. The first time we ever went to Kona was on Nolan's 12th birthday. This has always been my weekend.

But oh no, we can't just "go".....

Going away party is tomorrow night. Seriously, well, who else would throw my going away party???

Nothing is in place. Tons of stuff still in the air.

Although, I think I have some new friends to meet and rent one of our places - a traveling nurse and her husband. On to the next adventure.

Tomorrow night is the "A hui ho" party (A hui ho - until next time) - 6:00pm - 10:00pm on a Saturday night during the middle of COVID (I guess I will have to explain COVID later).

Nolan  will be there, "but I might be late"

Duncan (coaching an Under 14 hockey team) - "tryouts don't end until 8, I'll get there when I can"

We are all doing our best to "social distance", but DAMMIT, you can miss you (or at least leave your hockey try-outs early for your mom's going away party).

Duncan coaches for the team whom he played for, the team I hosted Russian hockey players in the basement for a year.

I pulled the mom card.

I called the head coach.

Please don't tell Duncan I called you. Here is the situation: "I'm moving to Hawaii, the going away party is Saturday night starting at 6. He let me know try-outs don't end until 8 and he would do what he could to get there".

The coach and I had a nice wonderful conversation. He promised me he wouldn't let him know I had called him. Paul (the coach), I understand it's try-outs, but can you do what you can to let him leave early? He will NEVER ask you if this is okay.

Couple of hours later:

"Mom, what time is the thing on Saturday"

"Six - Ten"

"I'll be there"

Me: "Thanks for making it happen"

Him: "Of course."

All those years of volunteering. All those years of hockey mom, carpool, exchange student hosts. Carpools, Mother's Day brunches, trampolines, sleep overs and on and on........

The victory lap was worth it all.......



Follow us here for the next adventure:  everafterenterprises.com 

Dreams

I know I said I was going to not write, but I have to get this story out of my head. - It might not look pretty, but it was AMAZING.

I was in Seattle for a week. There for work. BUT, a very, very good friend of mine now lives there.

We have been friends since he was 15 and I was 19. He and his brother are, well, my brothers. Not by blood, but you don't get to choose your relatives. You do get to choose family though.

His first wife was murdered 11 years ago. I've written about her many times. Wrote about the tragedy. Wrote about the wife he married 5 years ago.

He has a little boy now. He and his little boy spent the weekend with me at my hotel. It rained the whole week I was there.

We had so much fun. We did tourist stuff. We swam in the hotel pool. We hung out. We hadn't seen each other in about 3 years.

His first wife's name was Vanessa. Ness.

So of course, I had dreams with her in it. You can't help it. (Or now that I'm sleeping again, I'm dreaming again).

Sunday night, I fly back to Denver. I fall asleep on the plane.

In my dream, I tell Ness to go find Hil. (Hil was the teenage friend who died summer of 2016.) Ness was active and adventurous. And, while in real life, she died at 29. So in my dream, I realized that she was 29. Hil was 18 - they could be friends. They would be good adventurous friends.

They are on the top of a mountain. About to ski off - I tell them to go have fun.

And the plane landed in Denver and I woke up.

Knowing Ness and Hil are off playing. My heart so full...........

P.S.

Obviously writing is something that is not aligned with me being without my kids. Without Hawaii.

Update:

• I've had 3 hockey players living in my house this fall. 2 are from Russia the other is from the USA (Minnesota). It's been very interesting. A good thing, yet I'm running the dorm I always new I would run one day.
• D is in Conn playing hockey. Talking about school next fall or Sweden for a bit or staying in NYC to model (I wish we we all had that self confidence).
• N is in Oregon going to school - pledged a fraternity. Girlfriend here in Colorado going to Boulder.
• L is in Mass going to school - Class President and an activist on campus. Island girl gone mainland. 
• Me - planning a public wedding ceremony (the date, place & time are correct - more details to follow) June to the "crush of my life" on my island. Still raising CCI dogs to help those with their independence. Planning travel. Still trying new things. I completed my TENTH half marathon last fall - 10 in 10 years. 2 full marathons in the last 10 years too. Someone told me there is a "7 continent" tour you can do...... Or maybe, there might be new adventures to be had.

I do miss writing. Just not here and now.

I can't promise this is the end of these stories.  

I can promise, there will always be many more adventures in store........

The DNL spreading their wings.

Love Always,

DNL

DNL + (Me)

(Don't worry, this isn't "Your typical Hollywood Ending"  - this is your island style, DNL, commercial break....)

See ya in the future.....

BackUp Failed

Technology is not one of my strong suites.

I pretend I'm adept and keeping up with the times. But I'm also the person who has a cracked phone screen 80% of the time.

I can't:

• get my old music on my new phone.
• upgrade my home computer without losing what is currently on my computer.
• find where my files are on "the cloud"
• figure out where the heck the "cloud" is.
• back up everything on my phone.

There is a bunch of stuff I do know about technology. I also try and learn as much everyday about what is coming next. I don't have to learn how to do it. I don't even have to use it. But I do think it's important to learn what is going on outside the bubble of my world.

Recently, I bought a Sudko puzzle book. There are days when I think my brain is used for nothing more than rote memorization of the things I've already done. By engaging our brains, we keep them active.

The phone that I own is now considered "older" - it's almost 3 years old. 

Daily I receive a message stating "Your backup has failed".

My inital instict is to want to scream at my phone: I KNOW it's failed - I can't figure out how to change the memory settings, not pay anything and keep all my pictures and videos on running on this device I carry around in my hand.

We are a society of wanting MORE. Faster. Cheaper. Better.

But what you realize is that while you are out there searching for Faster. Cheaper. Better., what you have works really well.

Some systems don't need a back up. Some clouds have nothing to do with the weather. Others do. I live in Denver, we don't have clouds here.

Longest Night Ever

Today was the day.

Ambrose/Brodie - our service dog - he's been in team training since February. This is the day they officially make the "pre-match".

We get the call in the morning. Luckily, they go in alphabetical order. I get the first call.

TOMORROW

Other regions make the call at the end of today. Our region, makes the calls first thing in the morning.

I get it.

As a recruiter, I make all calls first thing in the morning. Even though I know the people would rather hear the night before if they got/didn't get the job. It's easier to deliver bad news (in my opinion) first thing in the morning.

Ambrosia/Rosie - she was the one we were supposed to get. The one they shipped to the wrong  other person. She belongs to another region. She met her match. She is a "successor dog" - Amby goes to someone whom previously had a service dog. She will be living in Missouri. That's all I know for now.

If Brodie didn't meet his match today.......he comes home. He met his match from the very beginning. Although, if I were a betting woman, I would be he's not coming to this home.

If he has made his match though? There is NOTHING I have done in my life that will make me more proud. And this is from a very proud mama.

Longest night ever.....

The Universe Answers

Dropping my youngest son off at college was a very bittersweet moment:

• SO proud of his accomplishments
• Proud of his "moving to the next stage of his life"
• Selfishly sad that this time in MY life was now over

SO proud. So sad all at the very same moment. 

Not that I wanted him NOT to go, but really? I'm not old enough for this chapter in my life to evolve.

Mixed feelings. 

After 2016, I wasn't quite sure how to prepare for this moment.

We fly to Portland two days before he is supposed to check into his dorm two hours away. We stay in Portland for the night.

Nothing eventful. Nice evening. We were tired and had a early evening.

The next morning, we went to Target, & Bed, Bath & Beyond. We needed to go to Costco to pick up a dorm fridge. 

Me: Find a Costco on the way to school.

Him: Okay, there is one headed South (on our way).

We head that way

Him: Let's see if we can find the NIKE headquarters.

Me: Okay, we have plenty of time and nothing else to do.

Him: We will go to Costco then find the headquarters.

Needless to say, we drove by the headquarters ON THE WAY to Costco as the map had randomly sent us that route. 

After going to Costco, we drove around the NIKE campus.

We then get back on the road.

Check-in isn't until the next day. We stay at a little hotel and can walk to dinner.

At dinner, there were many families there with their freshman's the night before check-in. A couple and their blonde hair/blue-eyed son were waiting across from us.

Me: I can't look at the mom, I'm going to cry.

We had a nice dinner.

The next morning, I woke him up earlier than he wanted, but I had a 2:00 flight out of Portland and it was a two hour drive away. 

Long story - I was nervous. I was trying not to make him nervous. He was nervous. So were all the other kids at the restaurant last night. 

But the universe told me it was going to be okay.

1. His dorm has the same name as my grandfather (middle name)
2. We were unpacking his room and this family opened the door to floor he is on - it was the family from the night before!! Me: that's the family. Him: I can't believe you recognized them
3. As the family down the hall is walking back down the mom looks at me and says "You are the lady at the restaurant last night" :-) (See, us moms pay attention to these things!)
4. The boy down the hall (same family), introduces himself to N and says "My name is Cole". My heart stopped as Cole was one of the boys we lost last summer.
5. N says his name. Cole's mom gasps. "Cole's brother goes to SDSU and the very first person he met was N." 
6. Hey Cole is your roommate here yet? No, he's coming from Hawaii.

At this point, I was able to breathe. Knowing there were plenty of signs from the Universe telling me my boy was going to be okay.

P.S. Arriving home, looking at the receipts from the trip. Costco receipts? We were in "Aloha, Oregon"

Aloha to life. Mahalo to the Universe for telling me, we will all be okay......

Trying Again

I looked at the last post I wrote - it was over TWO months ago.

In the last six years, the longest time I went without writing would be a couple of weeks. The posts after the gaps might not be life changing, but were there. Words. Words out loud - instead of loud in the head.

The occurrence didn't even pop up on my radar screen. There was no:

• I need to write
• Write this down
• There are thoughts here. Thoughts the world needs to see.

Survival mode.

That's what I'm calling it.

Trying to protect myself. Yet, prepare myself. All at once.

Terrified.

That's the real feeling.

• Both boys leaving at once.
• Living on my own.
• Scared that something might happen to one of them.

I don't do well with transitions - the movement from there to here. I would much rather BE THERE. After here. Not the journey of getting there.

But in my heart I know:

• We are all supposed to leave - find our next great spot. Change is a good thing - even if we fight it.
• There is nothing wrong with living alone - unless of course, it makes you feel isolated - then other people need to help you - not tell you what you are feeling is wrong.
• Something could happen to anyone one of us. Any given day. I can't control the safety of my children. Or my relatives. Or my family. 

Being scared of the future is not a way we should live. There is a great big world out there. Beautiful wonderful people to meet. See. Enjoy.

I think it's time, to try this again..........

A different set of problems

We turned in our Service Dog in Training in February. We had him for 18 months, then he has spent the last six months in "Advanced Training" - or "Olympic Training" as I like to call it.

Training. Working hard. Learning skills and tasks to help someone who can't do the things he has been training in helping them to do.

The last two weeks, he spends "rotating" to different people who might need his help.

He didn't find his match this time.

Meaning, he will stay at 'Olympic Training' for one more 'semester'  - another three months.

OR at anytime, he can come back here.

He might not have it in him.

Either way he wins.

He goes on to be a service dog. OR he comes home, he turns into a "dog"

He's no longer allowed in restaurants, on airplanes, etc.

HOWEVER, he is allowed:

• on  the bed
• out of his kennel
• to dog parks
• to become a hunting dog
• to become a snuggling dog
• to do things that well, dogs get to do.

Which brings us to......

• He now knows how to open doors, 
• Turn on light switches
• Open drawers
• Fetch your slippers and beer......

Former puppy raisers whom have told me they had their "service dog in training returned" - well, you come home (they no longer have to stay in the kennel if you don't want them too) - and all the lights are on.

OR

The door from the family room to the garage is open. The lid to the dog food container is open and empty.

They know how to do all these things.

If he doesn't make this program, he will be a really good "therapy" dog to someone. Don't we all need a different 'set' of problems?

Going offline

I arrived on the mainland ten days ago.

Making it now a couple of days without crying, but making it all the same.

When I think of my island time, it's a time I can't even describe to anyone. I actually don't mind working there - working my corporate job - as it allows me the release I need from the real world.

But, back here? Here in the world of structure, order, shoes, and schedules....Work is something I loathe. It's a chore - a much needed chore, like cleaning the bathroom. No one likes to clean the bathroom, butt someone has to clean......

We've passed the anniversary of the first child's death - rapidly approaching the second. Rapidly approaching a time in my life I wish would have been something different.

One day.

There will be a summer camp.

A flip phone

Some flip flops

I won't even know what a computer was supposed to do......