The Girl on the Train

There was a book I read, a few years ago named: The Girl On The Train

It's a messed up booked. I remember thinking half way throuh the book that I needed to put it down - it was messing with my head. This year, it came out as a movie. It has a good story line. It messes you up a bit, but you want to keep reading.

In Denver, we now have a train that runs from the aiport to downtown. The "A" line. The "B" line will open this fall - it will drop people off from the airport less than one mile from my house.

We live in a real city now.

You can take the train from the airport (BTW, the airport is NO WHERE near anything - STILL 20 years later).

BUT, the train?

I think I have a romantic interestt in the train the way I used to have a romantic interest in airports.

For NINE dollars (although when I took the train in Atlanta, it was only $3.40 - and here I thought NINE dollars was a good deal) - you can take a train right into Downtown Denver.

The only person I've picked up from the train station was I guy I knew from high school. He took the train from the airport to downtown.

And it was single-handeddly the most romantic thing anyguy anyone has ever done for me.

You see - the train has captured romanticism the airport has lost.

I could meet him at the tracks. There were feelings like those when we used to meet the people at the gate of the airport.

There were signs from kids. There were smiles. Business travelers going their way home.

There was a girl, waiting on a a guy. On a train.....

Joy in Sadness

Grief is an interesting thing.

When life is lived correctly, we all grow old and bow out gracefully. When it doesn't go the way we are told it is "supposed to go", we have learn a new way to cope. A new adjustment in life.

Much like when life goes better than planned, we have to adjust there too.

I never knew grief was so exhausting. Although, I have grieved before. We were all "sucker punched", then kicked while we were down. This all continues to take it's toll.

What has been important in keeping me, and everyone I know going, are the bright moments during the sadness.

The kids are getting on with their lives. They should. Kids are resilient.

The moms and dads are having a little bit of a harder time.

We are getting back to our "new normal".

I want to get back to writing about the Olympics - as I have some wonderful, incredible, stories to share. Only, it's hard to hang on to that happiness. The stories will come. Wonderful, beautiful stories.

During all the sadness, there were good moments. Light is starting to emerge.

Yesterday while walking the dog, Cole's mom was on her front porch. The first time I've seen her there in months.

When she saw me, she had the biggest smile on her face and invited me to sit on the porch. We talked. A few tears, but not many. She was going for a bike ride later in the day with another mom friend.

I texted her at the end of the day, letting her know, "Your smile made my day. I hoped she enjoyed her bike ride."

She replied, "Thanks for stopping by. I had a great ride."

A little joy of a smile in all this sadness.

The Perfect Storm

This October, at least for me, is a month of NO decisions

I kept planning things to do. Places to go. People to see.

Last week I caught a cold - I only get sick about once a year or so. So, when I do catch a cold, I feel it's the universe telling me to slow down, sit down, recharge. Of course, I fight it. I keep going until, I can't.

The summer was a roller coaster. Still not over - in fact, will never be over the emotions of the last few months. There is no more "normal". Not even "my normal". We are all getting back to our "New Norrmal."

The new way life looks for all of us here in our little bubble.

Don't get me wrong, during all this sadness, there have been some great moments of happiness.

• We went to the Olympics
• Even in the midst of all the sadness, there were some beautiful moments remembering the boys we lost
• An old relationship renewed
• A new position with a great company

You look onto the horizon. The dust is starting to settle. The sun beginning to appear.

Then you see the shadow. The shadow who always comes back. Suddenly Peter Pan is on your windowsill, having moved back from Neverland....

You Didn't Know?

On the day of Hil's funeral, I receive a text from a childhood friend of mine.

The text stated:

Thinking of you today. Wanted you to know it.

That day -  September 3, 2016 - was probably one of the worst days of my life.

It was as horrible and beautiful as you can imagine.

A friend of mine, her son committed suicide. I'm not quite sure how to describe the emotion as I love this child as if he was one of my own. I also love this family as they were my family. They are family. Only they don't have any blood relation to mine.

Fast forward.

I finally call my childhood friend whom sent me the text. We've been friends since we were 10 years old. She's on Facebook, but not really. She doesn't check in too often.

I called her to tell her thank you for her text that day. It really meant bunches. I was being the backbone to my friend and knew my other friends had me covered.

The first thing I say:

Thank you so much for sending me the text the day you did of Hil's funeral. It meant so much.

She replied:

What do you mean?

I explained about Hil's death - even though I had posted it on Facebook - she didn't know what I referring too.

I figured she had seen it on Facebook and sent me a note. She said she didn't know what I was talking about. She felt the need to let me know that someone was thinking about me.

We've been friends since we were ten years old. We all have dark moments. It's nice to know people know we need them beyoned being ten.

Don't tell anyone

I started a new contract position for recruiting last week.

Sorta an employee, just no benefits. Hourly rates.

And the most honest, breath-relasing moment was the thought that popped in my head.

Ah, this feels really, really nice.

The last few months of my life have provided tons of sadness and anxiety. I do want to write more about moments these last few months - but we have been in survival mode around here.

But this.

This "job"

This " guy I've been dating"

This "backbone I always knew I had"

This "backbone of community I knew was here"

Have given me a whole new perspective on life. In life.

Shh..... don't tell anyone. I haven't slept in months. I've gained some stress weight. And I've worked my whole life to be right here.

Shh.... this is where you find out what you are really made of.

Don't tell anyone, but now that I'm here. I always knew I was this capable.  

 

Growing Up

When you sign in for security on a website - one of the security questions is:

What street did you grow up on?

I have an easy answer. I lived on the same street for quite a bit while I was in elementary school. That street is the one I usually name.

Although, I've been thinking a lot about this question lately.

If Peter Pan and I were ever asked how we knew each other, I would always reply:

We grew up together

Only, in "practical" terms, I didn't meet him until I was 32. But if you were to ask me today, I would still give you the same answer. "We grew up together."

The street I live on now - I've lived here for longer than I've ever lived any other time in my life. I do wonder what military family kids think of "as the street they grew up on"

I was raised thinking that "grew up on" meant "the longest time you spent in a place".

I've realized "growing up" has nothing to do with age. Or how long you have been in one place.

It has to do with how much you grew. And where you grew.

I may have been raised in Texas, but I grew up here.

No words

There have been no posts lately. As there have been no words.

Last Sunday, August 28, 2016 there was another death in our little bubble of a community.

Something no one saw coming.

Suicide.

An 18 year old family friend. Friend of Duncan's. We are friends with the family. As in, a friends family we were all supposed to be in Rhode Island with for Labor Day. Wait - the kids weren't going - just us adults.

There are no words for the heartbreak our neighborhood has been hit with these last two months.

There were some okay moments during all of this. Moments that and will continue to make us smile.

The words will come again. I do still have some wonderful Olympic stories to share.

But for now, there are no words.....