Booty Call

Vulnerable. This is what I'm about to do.

Years ago,I posted this on Craigslist. This was years before the blog. Before the book. Here's me, being raw:

It was just a booty call:

Isn't that what is was all about?  I didn't want you, you couldn't have me..... The ultimate paradox. You won, I lost, or was that I won, and you lost?  To the guy that will always make my legs shake, my hand quake and my heart break..... I knew from the moment I told you:  "You are really cute, I'm really married and I really have two kids,"  was the moment that my life would change forever. Okay, I didn't know I knew it then, but my earth did turn.  Because you looked at me with those blue eyes and said "so, you think I'm cute"... blah, blah, blah,.  Charlie Brown's teacher was speaking everything I said from that point on.   Nothing else was heard.  And really that was the end of that, but no - you sent an e-mail asking if I had been where we met.  I still ask, what made you do that?  I guess it was the e-mail that changed my life.  My first thought was "is that the guy from the Cricket?" :-)

FAST FORWARD:

NINE YEAR LATER

Yes, you read that right.  9 years......  I'm no longer married....  The Cricket guy, well he doesn't live here any more - his parents do.  And yes, he still loves me.  Who knew?  A Random night at the Cricket would change my life.  Of course, I'm writing this on 9/11 - the day I knew I would leave my husband and the day I knew I was going forward.

The day of change for many people and I knew at that very moment, that well, I was on the walk to the future.  I was scared, I was a long a way from home, I had two young sons, a husband, a job and everything that anyone could want.  And I wanted you....

Isn't that the most selfish thing you have ever heard?  You were like a drug.  I remember the night, I was still married, moving out in January, it was October, I was sleeping downstairs (no justification - just an explanation) .  "I fell for a shooting star, the one without a permanent scar" - and for the last NINE years I have denied it.

Well, here I am

And you know it, but you moved away and came back this weekend.  But, after today you are gone. And, that I can't deal with.... I wish I could.  Somewhere along the way we messed up.  See here is the thing, I didn't see you this weekend - I can't handle it.  We haven't had sex in over a year.  And seeing you, well,  it would break my heart.......  And I think it's great that we still keep in touch and we have been through the ups and downs of relationships with others.

Thank you -
For letting me fall for the shooting star
For letting you let go and hang on all at the same time  - even if you didn't know you were doing it
For being scared and admitting you couldn't "handle me" - not many men could say that out loud.
For calling me when you are drunk and letting me do the same.
For not marrying the girl you could have, because you were still in love with girl you weren't supposed to have.....
For helping me find me.

However, here we are.....

You see, you were this cute young guy I met .......

And I remember that night very clearly....I wanted to come back in.....

You have now officially moved away.  So, when you call me in 20 years, and have to show up at my door with your kids; well this is what I have to say:

I don't like babies, but I'd have one with you
I am 40 years old (ok, so in 20 years that would be 60), we should have had that baby then
I still love you
Get on with your life
Don't get on with your life without me
So I understand you call me when you are drunk and scared....

To the guy I will always love and never have an enough - thanks for both letting go and hanging on.   I don't met the profile and it took me a long time to accept this, but my oh my, do I love you.....


And I wish yes, it was just a meeting at the Cricket, but well, we are past that point...... You can't stand up, really?  You have it in you.

If you don't really have it in you, thank you for the ultimate booty call - thanks for what you could do for me.